Have those talks of course. The sex is going to happen around that age, but as a parent it is still not your job to make it easy, yeah? This is facilitating that situation. You can raise a reasonable person but still acknowledge that some things just aren’t a good idea.
This reads to me like if the same situation were presented and so says “can my friends and I have a bottle of vodka at the lan party tonight”. SURE it’s important to talk to kids about this and maybe even let them figure out what to expect in a controlled setting, but the consequences of mistakes are still VERY HIGH. There is a difference between being reasonable / acknowledging reality, and being a facilitator.
as a parent it is still not your job to make it easy, yeah?
As a parent it’s your job to make it safe. They will do it, you can’t stop it. But if you allow it, if any problem arise they will not hesitate to ask for help immediately, and that’s the most important.
You can provide them contraception and morning pills and not rely on their teenage hormone filled brains to get it themselves. If they’re doing it in your home, they will less likely to do it while drunk under the bridge.
It is similar to alcohol situation. If your teenager wants to drink alcohol, it’s better you give them guidelines and help, and it’s better they get a six pack of beers with their friend in your home, than a bottle of moonshine with their 29 years old buddy Craig they met in a toilet of a waffle house.
Would you agree that it is still poorly advised to buy them a six pack every time they clean their room?
You don’t have to say “Aw jeez, teen boys only wanna slam. I better make sure he gets all his jollies at home”. Kids will figure out a way, but there’s a lot of room for interpretation between “It’s thursday, bring sally over and get it on,” and “Jimmy got caught with sally under the overpass”.
So you’d rather have your kids fuck under some random underpass somewhere without your knowledge or consent, get caught by the cops and slapped with indecent exposure for the whole world to find out about?
As you said, the sex is going to happen anyway. So you have to consider it like this… would you rather A) you make it easy for him, maintain trust and inclusion in his life decisions, can make sure that he has condoms and know that he is using them appropriately, and, if something like a pregnancy, STD, or social challenges happen, you will know asap and can help navigate that situating with them. Or B) you make it hard for them (so they have maybe half as much sex if you’re lucky), you become an obstacle and make it clear that he can’t discuss his sex life with you without fearing punishment, leave it up to a teenager to afford and provide his own condoms and use them appropriately without instruction, and when something like a pregnancy, STD or social stigma happens to them, you will have no idea until the problem is too big to hide anymore.
That is a false dichotomy. You don’t have to be a direct obstacle for sex or learning to be a person. You can be a realist about it.
So first, this is parent of a guy. This means if GF gets pregnant, you do not know what is going to happen. That’s a life altering thing. This should be a huge consideration, and it’s not a consideration that a horny 17 year old guy has a really profound perspective on. I remember what that was like, and that was the year I lost my virginity as well.
There are 3 choices not 2, and it’s easier to analogize to alcohol, but it’s transferable. I don’t want to write a novel on mobile.
A) You are the house where your kid learns about alcohol. There is a safe environment and one time you buy a sixer and let them see what it’s like to drink them. This is very sane.
B) You are the house where your kid (and their friends) underage drink. This is irresponsible. You do not need to provide alcohol to teenagers whenever they clean their room or whatever. “OH they are going to drink anyway, so let’s be safe!” Yo… that’s a nonsense argument. You be the parents that go make pickups from any place, at any time no questions asked. THAT is sane. Providing alcohol to your kids, or looking the other way when they drink on the regular is fucking nuts. That is what the comment I replied to sounds like. “You cleaned your room, sure, bring your gf over and bang her brains out. Good work champ.”. Are you kidding me?
C) You are the house where booze is not allowed. You pour all the alcohol out in your house because you have a teenager. Your cabinets are locked. Whenever your kid is home and friends come over, you draw lines on the liquor bottles. You bust out your portable breathalyzer and you make the kids blow before bed and when they wake up. This is also totally insane. This is how your kids go out and make bad mistakes.
Your kids can (and will) have sex in your house without facilitating sleepovers, lol. You can be a safe harbor for discussion and mistakes without just serving up sexy time or any other vice in the name of being “approachable and safe”.
I don’t know why you’re making analogies to alcohol like they are the same thing. Not for the least of which because you will also need to make those decisions about alcohol AS WELL as about sex. But alcohol is, in itself, destructive, especially to sound decision making. Sex doesn’t have to be. And having a healthy mindset about sex from the start means they become better more healthy sexual partners earlier, something many people never become. And yes, she faces more direct consequences if a pregnancy happens, but so long as both of them are consenting, and her parents are aware and consenting as well, that is her decision to risk it and not your job to keep her from making that decision. And it doesn’t mean you are operating a brothel in your house
You’re providing a modicum of safety and trust that they won’t have otherwise even as they continue to have sex anyway.
Weird non sequitur. Maybe you can bring the fatal crash rate for teens vs failure rate for condoms? There’s no substance here to reply to, and I have covered most of these in other comments in the thread. If you want to show a stat that shows you’re more likely to die as a teen in a fatal car accident than you are to have a pregnancy with a condom, I’m listening.
Someday your kids will leave your home and have to navigate the world alone, would you rather teach them important life skills in a safe environment where they feel comfortable enough to reach out to you if problems arise or would you rather keep the sheltered and afraid of you so they do these things in hiding and then don’t tell you when something goes out of hand
I do disagree because the drinking age where I am is 21, and drinking and driving is dangerous. So that would be asking if they can engage in illegal and potentially deadly activities. My kids will tell me if their friends drink at a party but they don’t, and they have all been comfortable with that too. But yes I like that they can tell me and ask for advice.
Sex, I very much prefer they have a safe space, I will leave and give them privacy, they are not doing anything wrong or illegal at all. I don’t actually think i’s a bad idea, it’s a natural part of a romantic relationship, and the kid is 17. And don’t understand your view that it’s safer for them to hide it from you? I hear the stories my kids tell about other kids and remember growing up in a household like that.
??? I had sex and told my parents. They didn’t do me a solid and say “hey, your room is clean, come home and shack up, it’ll be safe and I know you’d like a place to do it”. There’s a difference between prohibiting sex and giving the wink and sending them up to bed. Nobody is saying they gotta hide it, just that you don’t have to turn down the bed either.
You can be a resource to kids and also just not give them whatever they want, even without estranging them.
I guess we just disagree then. I literally don’t think it’s misbehaviour or anything to police like that. You want to put some sort of barrier up, but for what? So they will only do it at the girlfriend’s house? What does that accomplish? OP is not proposing to “provide turn down service, mints, and send them up to bed after dinner” just okaying a sleepover.
If the kid is at home, stealing condoms out of the bathroom cabinet while I’m having a beer with the neighbors, that’s way better than at a park no protection, catching a charge from a cop.
Kids that have the presence of mind to ask this question are not raw dogging at the state fair. Getting to that stage is the good parenting part. You can even buy the condoms as a parent if you want. But that doesn’t mean you provide turn down service, mints, and send them up to bed after dinner.
I think the answer is still no.
Have those talks of course. The sex is going to happen around that age, but as a parent it is still not your job to make it easy, yeah? This is facilitating that situation. You can raise a reasonable person but still acknowledge that some things just aren’t a good idea.
This reads to me like if the same situation were presented and so says “can my friends and I have a bottle of vodka at the lan party tonight”. SURE it’s important to talk to kids about this and maybe even let them figure out what to expect in a controlled setting, but the consequences of mistakes are still VERY HIGH. There is a difference between being reasonable / acknowledging reality, and being a facilitator.
As a parent it’s your job to make it safe. They will do it, you can’t stop it. But if you allow it, if any problem arise they will not hesitate to ask for help immediately, and that’s the most important.
You can provide them contraception and morning pills and not rely on their teenage hormone filled brains to get it themselves. If they’re doing it in your home, they will less likely to do it while drunk under the bridge.
It is similar to alcohol situation. If your teenager wants to drink alcohol, it’s better you give them guidelines and help, and it’s better they get a six pack of beers with their friend in your home, than a bottle of moonshine with their 29 years old buddy Craig they met in a toilet of a waffle house.
Would you agree that it is still poorly advised to buy them a six pack every time they clean their room?
You don’t have to say “Aw jeez, teen boys only wanna slam. I better make sure he gets all his jollies at home”. Kids will figure out a way, but there’s a lot of room for interpretation between “It’s thursday, bring sally over and get it on,” and “Jimmy got caught with sally under the overpass”.
So you’d rather have your kids fuck under some random underpass somewhere without your knowledge or consent, get caught by the cops and slapped with indecent exposure for the whole world to find out about?
Yeah nah this ain’t the right answer.
As you said, the sex is going to happen anyway. So you have to consider it like this… would you rather A) you make it easy for him, maintain trust and inclusion in his life decisions, can make sure that he has condoms and know that he is using them appropriately, and, if something like a pregnancy, STD, or social challenges happen, you will know asap and can help navigate that situating with them. Or B) you make it hard for them (so they have maybe half as much sex if you’re lucky), you become an obstacle and make it clear that he can’t discuss his sex life with you without fearing punishment, leave it up to a teenager to afford and provide his own condoms and use them appropriately without instruction, and when something like a pregnancy, STD or social stigma happens to them, you will have no idea until the problem is too big to hide anymore.
Frankly, I would choose A. But that’s me.
That is a false dichotomy. You don’t have to be a direct obstacle for sex or learning to be a person. You can be a realist about it.
So first, this is parent of a guy. This means if GF gets pregnant, you do not know what is going to happen. That’s a life altering thing. This should be a huge consideration, and it’s not a consideration that a horny 17 year old guy has a really profound perspective on. I remember what that was like, and that was the year I lost my virginity as well.
There are 3 choices not 2, and it’s easier to analogize to alcohol, but it’s transferable. I don’t want to write a novel on mobile.
A) You are the house where your kid learns about alcohol. There is a safe environment and one time you buy a sixer and let them see what it’s like to drink them. This is very sane.
B) You are the house where your kid (and their friends) underage drink. This is irresponsible. You do not need to provide alcohol to teenagers whenever they clean their room or whatever. “OH they are going to drink anyway, so let’s be safe!” Yo… that’s a nonsense argument. You be the parents that go make pickups from any place, at any time no questions asked. THAT is sane. Providing alcohol to your kids, or looking the other way when they drink on the regular is fucking nuts. That is what the comment I replied to sounds like. “You cleaned your room, sure, bring your gf over and bang her brains out. Good work champ.”. Are you kidding me?
C) You are the house where booze is not allowed. You pour all the alcohol out in your house because you have a teenager. Your cabinets are locked. Whenever your kid is home and friends come over, you draw lines on the liquor bottles. You bust out your portable breathalyzer and you make the kids blow before bed and when they wake up. This is also totally insane. This is how your kids go out and make bad mistakes.
Your kids can (and will) have sex in your house without facilitating sleepovers, lol. You can be a safe harbor for discussion and mistakes without just serving up sexy time or any other vice in the name of being “approachable and safe”.
I don’t know why you’re making analogies to alcohol like they are the same thing. Not for the least of which because you will also need to make those decisions about alcohol AS WELL as about sex. But alcohol is, in itself, destructive, especially to sound decision making. Sex doesn’t have to be. And having a healthy mindset about sex from the start means they become better more healthy sexual partners earlier, something many people never become. And yes, she faces more direct consequences if a pregnancy happens, but so long as both of them are consenting, and her parents are aware and consenting as well, that is her decision to risk it and not your job to keep her from making that decision. And it doesn’t mean you are operating a brothel in your house You’re providing a modicum of safety and trust that they won’t have otherwise even as they continue to have sex anyway.
Facilitate what situation of exactly?
Why?
Not as high as letting your kid drive a car, for example, but you’re still gonna let them, I suppose. Weird double standards.
Weird non sequitur. Maybe you can bring the fatal crash rate for teens vs failure rate for condoms? There’s no substance here to reply to, and I have covered most of these in other comments in the thread. If you want to show a stat that shows you’re more likely to die as a teen in a fatal car accident than you are to have a pregnancy with a condom, I’m listening.
Someday your kids will leave your home and have to navigate the world alone, would you rather teach them important life skills in a safe environment where they feel comfortable enough to reach out to you if problems arise or would you rather keep the sheltered and afraid of you so they do these things in hiding and then don’t tell you when something goes out of hand
I do disagree because the drinking age where I am is 21, and drinking and driving is dangerous. So that would be asking if they can engage in illegal and potentially deadly activities. My kids will tell me if their friends drink at a party but they don’t, and they have all been comfortable with that too. But yes I like that they can tell me and ask for advice.
Sex, I very much prefer they have a safe space, I will leave and give them privacy, they are not doing anything wrong or illegal at all. I don’t actually think i’s a bad idea, it’s a natural part of a romantic relationship, and the kid is 17. And don’t understand your view that it’s safer for them to hide it from you? I hear the stories my kids tell about other kids and remember growing up in a household like that.
??? I had sex and told my parents. They didn’t do me a solid and say “hey, your room is clean, come home and shack up, it’ll be safe and I know you’d like a place to do it”. There’s a difference between prohibiting sex and giving the wink and sending them up to bed. Nobody is saying they gotta hide it, just that you don’t have to turn down the bed either.
You can be a resource to kids and also just not give them whatever they want, even without estranging them.
I guess we just disagree then. I literally don’t think it’s misbehaviour or anything to police like that. You want to put some sort of barrier up, but for what? So they will only do it at the girlfriend’s house? What does that accomplish? OP is not proposing to “provide turn down service, mints, and send them up to bed after dinner” just okaying a sleepover.
It’s the parents job to make sure their safe.
If the kid is at home, stealing condoms out of the bathroom cabinet while I’m having a beer with the neighbors, that’s way better than at a park no protection, catching a charge from a cop.
Kids that have the presence of mind to ask this question are not raw dogging at the state fair. Getting to that stage is the good parenting part. You can even buy the condoms as a parent if you want. But that doesn’t mean you provide turn down service, mints, and send them up to bed after dinner.